sixtylilies: a gentleman looking bemused at 80s power woman cycling her legs because she missed spinning class. (kick kick kick kick)
[personal profile] sixtylilies


Yes, quite


Exhibit A, newborn Varney sleeps peacefully in the shadow of the downstairs bathroom sink.


Whisper: Oh, man, poor Varney. How's she supposed to get a good start in life if she's left to languish on the bathroom floor? I mean, the bathroom floor. By the toilet. Her whole life is going to reflect this and it's just not fair!

So... you gonna make things right by picking her up and taking her to her crib?

Whisper: What? No. Why would I do that? I've done my part.


Victor: I was feeling slightly threatened in my position of obvious heir when Varney was born, but now I feel safe again.


Tish: *behaves badly*


Theda: Aww, thanks, kid. Good to know I still got it.

Tish: I'm honored to help, Mom-in-law!


Victor: And they just left her on the floor there. It was hilarious!

Velvet: As well as an excellent omen, brother. No little sister will stand in the way of our rightly claiming dual heirship of this family. Nothing will stand in our way.


Varney: Could someone please explain to me the concept of a "bed"? I am lacking in context.


Winnie: Shoot, kid, I didn't mean to leave you there! ...Aw, it's ok. You won't remember this anyway.

Varney: Believe what you like, madam. Believe what you like. :|


Winnie: Whee-ooh. Is that chicken Parmesan or chicken Limburger?


Xena: Hi, Winnie! How was the chicken Limburger?


Victor: This report card is a record of my failure. I must not allow Parent to see it.


Velvet: STRAIGHT FLIPPIN' As, PARENT! HOW YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?

Tish: That's right, Velvet, apple does start with A!


Winnie: I've got a bag of poop. Guess what's in it.


Xena: Ahh, the mere presence of my love is exalting.

Theda: Chess is for fuckin' nerds


Winnie: More poop.

Tish: Yes Velvet very well done 'apple' has an A in it


It's hump o'clock


Tish: Yeah, that hump was a good hump.

That Poor Skeleton: The things I've seen. The things I've seen


Varney: I birthday'd. Where's the cake?


Cutie!


What're you going to play for us, Varney?

Varney: Play? Uh, I dunno, man, I was just gonna kind of bang on the keys for awhile.

Oh... really?

Varney: Well, yeah, I mean, I just grew into having motor skills. I can't actually play this thing yet.

Your honesty is refreshing. +1

Varney: Thank you.


EVERYONE

DROP

EVERYTHING


yES. GREET THE KITTY. YES. YESSSSS


ARE YOU SHITTING ME IT'S A FAT SMUSHY-FACED CAT NAMED BABY OF COURSE WE WANT TO ADOPT HER WHO DO YOU THINK I AM


Baby: BITCH JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE COMING ONTO MY NEW YARD I SCHMOOZED HARD TO BE ABLE TO LIVE HERE BEGONE

And she fights wolves too omg *coos of delight*


Aren't you delighted by this turn of events as well, Velvet?

Velvet: Please get out. I need to poop.


Whisper: Pink dress.

Theda: ...yes. Certainly.


Look at Baby LOOK AT HER


Baby: Oh... hi. I didn't know there was another cat here.

Whisper: Yeah, but it's cool. It'll be nice to have someone around who understands.


Whisper: And it's a big house. Big enough for the both of us, surely.


I guess the bathroom thing has held over into Varney's childhood. Poor baby.


Whisper: Oh, hell YES.


Whisper: Sup.

Victor: Sup!


Victor: Whoa, who was that dapper cat that just strolled past? It looked like Whisper, but a thousand times more impressive.


Whisper: You got that right, kid.


Baby prefers to sleep on Whisper's bed. I guess she thinks it's a cat bed, for which I can't really blame her.


Varney: Nothing like a bathroom nap to make you feel like the world's your oyster.


Whisper: Oh.


The kitchen did not burn down. Meanwhile, I expanded the study. Hi, Disapproving Bear!

Disapproving Bear: *disapproves of its late arrival to a legacy already underway*


Winnie: *did this face*


Tish: *moves out of range*


Winnie: Who's a pretty little girl, Baby? Who's a pretty little girl?

Baby: Human, silence, you're shaming me before my victim!


Victim: lol


Winnie: bees


Tish: Have you guys seen our mail carrier? She's pretty seriously cute. It's rude.


Tish: I wouldn't mind showing her my fur-lined handcuffs, is what I'm getting at.

Winnie: I'm down. I like blondes.


Varney: Well, this is uncomfortable, isn't it.

Victor: Just focus on the food, little sis. Just focus on the food.






Theda: I give this chair a four out of five. It's not quite molded to my buttocks the way it could be.






Winnie: I WANNA BE - THE VERY BEST, LIKE NO ONE EVER WAAAAAAS. TO CATCH THEM IS MY REAL TEST - TO TRAIN THEM IS MY CAAAAAUSE

Tish: This is so romantic omfg~


Skeleton: No


Victor: I'm sorry, it's not a matter of opinion, it is hard fact that Final Fantasy VII is the finalest of the fantasies.

Green Child: You are disgusting and your facts are disgusting.

Xena: Yes invisible person please tell me all about your exciting new line of Tupperwares!


Velvet: I have aged. Bow down.


Victor: Sure thing, sis! Let me just strap on my bowing shoes.


Theda: Now tell me, son, are you really real? Like, can everyone see you, or just me?

Whisper: Mom, I've been living here for years. Everyone speaks to me. I'm real.


Theda: Fantastic! Now hold still.

Whisper: That seems reasonable.


Whisper: AWESOME.


Whisper: Hey, Baby, I found a treat. Do you want it? You can have it if you want it.

Baby: GIMME.


These two are so gooily affectionate. It weirds me out.


*raises voice* IT WEIRDS ME OUT

Velvet: Do you hear something, brother?

Victor: Nothing, sister! Certainly not the infantile complaining of people too ignorant to understand our deep and abiding familial love.


Victor: NOW C'MERE FOR LOVE NOOGIES.


Velvet: WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT NOOGIES, BITCH?

Victor: Curses, I should've suggested a nice family kiss!


Theda didn't like her new hairstyle, but that was too bad, because it looks adorable on her.

Theda: No.


Theda: *fuss*


Velvet: I sense behind me the presence of my one and only brother dear.

Victor: House, we who are headed downtown salute you!


Hi, werewolf bartender. Lookin' swell.

Werewolf bartender: I have no eyebrows.

You don't need 'em, babe.


Velvet: Hello, brother. Enjoying those chocolate morsels?

Victor: Yup


Velvet: Hello, attractive newcomer. I'm Velvet. That's my brother behind us stuffing chocolates into his face. Stay away from him.

Frances Beets: Hi. I'm Frances. Let go of my hand right now and I won't turn you into a newt.


Victor: LO, I AM GOD OF CHOCOLATE. ALL CHOCOLATES PROSTRATE THEMSELVES BEFORE ME.


Background music: *changes to a minor key*


Victor: The only thing that could make this experience better is some kissing. On an unrelated note, I wonder where Velvet is.


Almond: I wonder if it's too late for me to reproduce.


Victor: A glorious urinal cake. I rate it at least an A-.


Velvet: I wonder where my brother is.

Shirtless McHandthing: Keep away, weirdo. Keep far away.

Almond: Beer!


This can only go well, I know it.


Almond: DAWN! DAWN, I LOST MY CLOTHES. HAVE YOU SEEN THEM, DAWN? HAVE YOU SEEN MY CLOTHES THAT I LOST?

Dawn: 'Go down to the bar tonight,' I said. 'It'll do you some good to get out for once,' I said...


Almond: Willow. Willow, I lost my clothes. Come help me find them, Willow.

Velvet: That's what I want to be when I grow up!

Axethrow von Demoneyes: Well, this is awkward.

Willow Fritter: Just ignore her, she'll get bored eventually.


Velvet: Hello, brother. I have had a beer. Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?


Velvet: Are you wearing moon pants? Because your hiney is out of this world.


Victor: You're so thoughtful and sweet, Velvet! Alas, since I have consumed no beer, this is as close as I can yet come to reciprocating your affections.

Axethrow: So I heard your ex-wife cheated on you. Want me to kill her to death?


Almond: *Almonds*


Almond: Hey cutie. Want to step into the bathroom with me?


Unsavory Charlatan: MADAM! Madam, do you have a moment to listen to a most MARVELOUS business proposal?

Frances: No—


Unsavory Charlatan: —and if you're willing to put up just ten thousand dollars to buy the twenty tons of raisin bran necessary, we can have those hedgehogs churning out electricity in just two weeks! What do you say, my business-savvy new friend? Do we have a deal?

Frances: I guess this is still better than going to the bathroom with Almond.


Red Shirt: Whoo! Go, kid, go! SPRINGER, SPRINGER, SPRINGER!


Velvet: Tootely toot-toot!


Almond: KICK 'IS ASS, KID! GET MEAN! GET UGLY!


Willow: There's been some rainy days since she left me for my sister, but overall it's for the best, I think. She was just too much drama for me.


Velvet: Toot TOOT


Shirtless McBeatdown: There! That'll teach you to be in this bar when I'm drunk!

Victor: Ouch, my dignity and tailbone!


Shirtless McAsswad: CTHULHU FHTAGN. HAIL OUR DREAD LORD DREAMING IN THE DEEP.

Victor: OwwwwWOWWW


Victor: Nothing for it but to drink the pain in my tailbone away!

Yeah, that'll fix it.


Velvet: Ooh, brother's drinking? I'd better catch up!


Frances: Oh man, poor Willow! That looks so incredibly painful!

Red Shirt: RECYCLING


Some evil witch you are, Nicey McNicenice.


Velvet: VICTOR! There you are. Something terrible's happened. I forgot where I put my clothes. Will you help me find them?

Victor: Heh. Heh heh. Hehehehehe. Heh.

You two disgust me.


Victor: OH, NO, VELVET. VELVET! THE OVERLORD SAYS WE DISGUST HER. VELVET WHAT DO WE DO? VELVETTTT

Velvet: Oh, there's my outfit. Silly me, lose my own head next.

SO THERE'S THAT.

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